When the Holidays Don’t Feel Joyful: A Compassionate Guide to Grief & Loneliness
The holidays arrive with a familiar script: joy, connection, celebration, warmth.
But for many people, this time of year highlights grief, loneliness, unmet expectations, or complicated family dynamics. If the season feels heavy instead of festive, there is nothing wrong with you. You’re not alone—and you’re not doing the holidays “wrong.”
At Nurtari, we believe every emotional experience deserves compassion and space. Here are gentle ways to support yourself (or someone you care about) when the holidays bring more ache than cheer.
1. Honor the Parts of You That Are Hurting
From an IFS perspective, grief isn’t one emotion—it’s a collection of parts trying to help you make sense of what’s changed.
You might notice:
A part that misses someone deeply
A part that feels resentful of others’ joy
A part that wants to isolate to stay safe
A part that feels guilty for not “being festive enough”
None of these parts are wrong. They’re trying, in their own way, to protect you.
Try this:
Pause. Put a hand on your heart or your chest. Gently ask, “What thought/feeling/sensation inside needs my attention right now?”
Even two minutes of presence softens the internal pressure.
2. Release the Myth of the “Perfect Holiday”
The cultural narrative tells us the holidays should look idyllic.
But perfectionism often hides fear—fear of disappointing others, fear of vulnerability, fear of not belonging.
Give yourself permission to create the kind of holiday experience that feels doable and supportive, even if it looks nothing like the movies.
Some possibilities:
A quiet day instead of a full family gathering
Ordering food instead of cooking
Setting time limits
Skipping traditions that “don’t fit” this year
There is no wrong way to move through this season.
3. Create Soft Structure to Support Your Nervous System
Grief and loneliness can dysregulate the body.
Somatic practices help give your system a sense of predictability and grounding.
Try incorporating:
A daily walk
Gentle stretching or yoga
Warm beverages (heat regulates the vagus nerve)
Weighted blankets
Intentional breath like a slow exhale or 4-6 breathing
The goal isn’t to “feel good”—it’s to give your body cues of safety.
4. Allow Yourself Connection—In the Ways That Feel Safe
Loneliness doesn’t always mean a lack of people; often it’s the absence of felt connection.
Consider small, manageable forms of closeness:
A 10-minute call with a supportive friend
Spending time with a pet
Attending a low-pressure community event
Volunteering, which often softens isolation
For some, connection might mean allowing yourself to be alone without judgment and to connect to yourself. Trust what feels right to your system.
5. Ritualize Your Grief
Rituals help our internal world feel seen.
You might:
Light a candle for someone you’re missing
Create a small altar with photos or meaningful items
Write a letter to the person or version of yourself you’re grieving
Play music that feels comforting
Give yourself time and space to cry
Grief is not a problem to solve. It is an experience to honor.
6. Prepare Gentle Boundaries with Others
If gatherings are overwhelming, you can prepare simple scripts:
“Thank you for the invitation. I’m keeping things low-key this year.”
“I might step outside for a breather if things get intense.”
“I’m not up for discussing that topic today.”
Boundaries are not walls—they’re forms of care for you and the relationship.
7. Remember: Grief and Joy Can Coexist
It’s okay if your holidays hold moments of warmth alongside moments of pain.
Grief doesn’t erase joy, and joy doesn’t betray grief.
You can feel both—and still be deeply human.
Closing: You’re Not Alone
If the holidays feel tender, heavy, or complicated, you deserve support—not pressure, not comparison, not expectations.
Nurtari is here to hold space for all the parts of you, especially the ones that feel forgotten during this season.
If you’d like support navigating grief, loneliness, or holiday overwhelm, reaching out is a courageous and compassionate step.